


an aspiring novelist with a crippling addiction to gay alien porn

by sburbanite



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Boys In Love, Figuring out it's been about you all along, Humor, Karkat and Dave being bros, M/M, Meteorstuck, Writing a romance novel, pesterlogs, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-14 05:05:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5730502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sburbanite/pseuds/sburbanite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><strong>Title translation for Alternian readers:</strong><br/>IN WHICH THE ALIEN PROTAGONIST ATTEMPTS TO BOND MORE CLOSELY WITH HIS MALE TROLL FRIEND, ABOUT WHOM HE HAS CONFUSED ROMANTIC FEELINGS, VIA THE MEDIUM OF EROTIC LITERATURE WRITING.<br/><strong>RATED 8+ SWEEPS</strong> FOR MENTIONS OF EQUIPMENT OF A SEXUAL NATURE, GENITALIA, CONCUPISCENT ACTIVITES, AND FREQUENT FREUDIAN SLIPS.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NothingSoDivine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NothingSoDivine/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is an excuse to write Karkat and Dave bickering for 8 chapters.
> 
> It's also a huge thank you to NothingSoDivine for patiently correcting my loose grasp of the mechanics of grammar. You deserve it hun!

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: yo karkat   
TG: i found your crabtop scuttling around the labs like a creeper  
TG: it nearly made me shit my goddamn jammies   
TG: bumping into a dude when hes fuck deep in some epic beats and you also happen to be a semi sentient bugtop thing is not cool  
CG: THANK FUCK FOR THAT. THE DAMN THING WANDERS OFF IF I FORGET TO PUT IT TO SLEEP PROPERLY.   
CG: I WAS WORRIED IT HAD FALLEN DOWN SOME STAIRS OR SOMETHING.  
TG: i see what you did there karkat  
TG: i warned you about trying to goad me into predictable jokes bro  
TG: i told you dog  
CG: ANYWAY, CAN YOU BRING IT BACK TO MY RESPITEBLOCK? THE BUTTON TO RETRACT THE LEGS IS ON THE BACK.  
TG: karkat are you telling me to push your button  
TG: dude ill caress that button into next week  
TG: the button will ache for my sweet touch for sweeps after i disappear into the night whispering softly  
TG: *our love can never be for we are from two different worlds*   
CG: ARE YOU DONE?   
CG: I’M SICK OF TYPING ON THIS SHITTY PALMHUSK.  
CG: INTERACTING WITH YOU IS MUCH LESS SATISFYING WHEN I CAN’T HAMMER A KEYBOARD INTO SUBMISSION.  
TG: youre no fun anymore man  
TG: anyways speaking of hammering things into submission  
TG: you totally left this thing unlocked before it took its afternoon constitutional  
CG: STRIDER, THERE IS NOTHING IN MY FILES THAT COULD POSSIBLY INTEREST YOU, SO GET YOUR DISGUSTING HUMAN CARTILAGE NUB AND STICKY LITTLE TREEBEAST FRONDLETS OUT OF THERE.  
TG: oh i beg to differ  
TG: and im not the only one begging dude   
TG: this novel youve been writing is some pretty kinky shit  
CG: FUCK YOU, IT’S A PERFECTLY NORMAL TROLL ROMANCE, AND THERE’S NO WAY YOU COULD POSSIBLY APPRECIATE EVEN A TINY PERCENTAGE OF ITS BRILLIANCE.   
TG: “erantz felt poyuze’s gaze upon him and thrilled at the attention. to most, this dance was a tedious expression of highblooded privilege, but to erantz, it was his chance to catch his master’s eye. this was his night, and he knew he made a foodslave’s outfit look every bit as ravishing as any royal robes. a little subtle tailoring had ensured that the whole room would spend the evening with their eyes glued to him, but there was only one he aimed to enrapture.”   
TG: seriously vantas you have some kind of status kink dontcha  
TG: all like im a lowblood slave lookit my ass  
CG: THIS IS GOLD QUALITY PROSE AND YOU KNOW IT,  
CG: AND THE CHARACTER IS NOT SOME SHODDY SELF INSERT, YOU IGNORANT NOOKSNIFFER.   
CG: THESE CHARACTERS HAVE MORE DEPTH THAN YOU DO BEHIND THOSE MORONIC SHADES, AND THEY DON’T EVEN EXIST.  
TG: thats cool man whatever youre into  
TG: im a pretty big deal karkat im surprised you havent been throwing yourself at me  
TG: offended even  
CG: OH, PLEASE.   
CG: YOU ARE THE SMALLEST DEAL ON THIS METEOR, DAVE.  
CG: EVEN THE MAYOR HAS SOME SEMBLANCE OF RESPONSIBILITY, IF ONLY OVER A BUNCH OF INANIMATE CAN PEOPLE.  
CG: YOUR SOLE PURPOSE IS MAKING SURE WE HAVE SOMEONE TO CALIBRATE THE ASSHOLE-METER AGAINST.  
CG: OTHERWISE THERE’S A DANGER WE MIGHT ACTUALLY START TO THINK VRISKA IS A DECENT PERSON.  
TG: wow not sure who got burned worse there  
TG: i think serket but its close  
CG: YOU’RE WELCOME.  
TG: anyway  
TG: “poyuze took the delicacy between two claws, careful that his strength did not cause him to crush the fragile sugar shell. his eyes met erantz’s as he took a bite, his fangs flashing wickedly. leaning toward his young servant, poyuze whispered softly into his ear: hey babe you want a piece of this hott shit cause im offering my bulge on a plate here.”  
CG: I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU ARE ACTUALLY EDITING MY WORK I WILL END YOU.  
CG: FUCKING. END. YOU.  
CG: GOD TIER POWERS DON’T MEAN SHIT WHEN YOUR LIMBS HAVE BEEN SCATTERED STRATEGICALLY ACROSS THE METEOR.   
CG: GOOD LUCK COMING BACK TO LIFE WHEN YOUR HEAD IS IN A SEPARATE FUCKING TIMEZONE FROM YOUR BODY, DOUCHELORD.  
TG: nah man im just messing with you  
TG: its not bad tbh  
CG: TELL ME SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW. I’M A MOTHERFUCKING LITERARY GENIUS.   
TG: i mean its cliché as fuck but at least its well written   
TG: its kinda like every single yaoi in the hidden folder on roses laptop plotwise  
CG: DO YOU HAVE NO CONCEPT OF PRIVACY, STRIDER?   
CG: STOP SNOOPING AROUND OTHER PEOPLE’S COMPUTING DEVICES, BECAUSE I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SHOW EVERYONE THAT FOLDER OF SELFIES ON YOUR STUPID PHONE.  
CG: THE ONE I COPIED TO USE FOR LEVERAGE.   
CG: I’M SURE TEREZI WOULD BE VERY ENTERTAINED BY YOUR ARRAY OF STOIC DOUCHEBAG POSES.   
CG: NOT TO MENTION THE ONE OF YOU IN YOUR UNDERWEAR AND A SOMBRERO.  
TG: now whos a privacy hypocrite vantas  
TG: you didnt tell me you were tony hawk bro  
TG: cause that was a sicknasty 180  
CG: I BELIEVE THE HUMAN WORD IS “CHECKMATE”, FUCKFACE.   
CG: DON’T LEAVE YOUR PHONE LYING AROUND IF YOU DON’T WANT ME INDULGING MY COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE CURIOSITY ABOUT YOUR ALIEN TECHNOLOGY.  
TG: fair enough   
TG: but only because i know for a fact youve been tugging one out to my sensual duckface pics  
CG: THE NUMBER OF ‘FACTS’ YOU KNOW WOULD FIT ON ONE SIDE OF AN ADHESIVE NOTIFICATION SQUARE.   
TG: we all know youre stricurious karkat  
TG: now thats what i call totally understandable curiosity  
CG: I’M CURIOUS AS TO WHY YOU’RE SPINNING OUT ‘hey karkat I found your husktop’ INTO A MAMMOTH BABBLEFEST AT MY EXPENSE.   
CG: FEELING ATTENTION STARVED ARE WE, STRIDER?  
TG: maybe  
TG: i seriously havent seen anyone for like three days  
TG: is there some kind of snarky broads anonymous meeting happening that we werent invited to  
CG: FUCK IF I KNOW.   
CG: BEST TO LET THEM GET ON WITH THAT HORSESHIT. I’D RATHER HAVE MY ENTRAILS PULLED OUT THROUGH MY SEEDFLAP WITH A RUSTY SICKLE THAN SIT AND LISTEN TO VRISKA FELLATE HER OWN EGO.  
TG: true dat  
TG: hey how much more of this thing are you going to write  
CG: IT’S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO FINISHED, AS YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU’D BOTHERED TO ACTUALLY READ IT.  
TG: could i like   
TG: help with it maybe  
CG: WHAT POSSIBLE REASON WOULD THERE BE FOR ME TO LET YOU HELP? AS IF YOU EVEN *COULD* HELP, WE BOTH KNOW YOU TURN YOUR NOSE UP INTO THE STRATOSPHERE AT ANY SIGN OF HIGH-QUALITY ROMANTIC LITERATURE.  
TG: im so bored man   
TG: plus ive got a unique alien perspective  
CG: I DON’T NEED AN ALIEN PERSPECTIVE, STRIDER.   
CG: IT’S A NOVEL ABOUT TROLLS, SET ON ALTERINA, FOR TROLLS TO READ.   
CG: NOT NOSY HUMANS WHO WOULDN’T KNOW A DECENT PLOTLINE IF IT SMACKED THEM OVER THE HEAD.  
TG: aww cmon karkat  
TG: just let me proofread it or something   
TG: seriously dude im gonna become one with my bed soon if i dont have an excuse to get up every day  
TG: plus its way more interesting reading something you wrote as opposed to random troll mills and boon shit  
CG: I’LL PASS, THANKS.   
CG: I’LL ADMIT THAT YOU MAKE A SUPREMELY UNCONVINCING ARGUMENT, HOWEVER.  
TG: are you sure man  
TG: ive found like fifteen typos already and you really need to get a thesaurus  
TG: there are other adjectives out there besides ‘smoldering’ and ‘heaving’   
TG: just a heads up  
CG: UGH, FINE.   
CG: I GRACIOUSLY PERMIT YOU TO CORRECT THE SPELLING ERRORS FOR ME.  
CG: I TRUST THAT WON’T BE BEYOND YOUR FEEBLE HUMAN INTELLIGENCE?  
TG: nah dude  
TG: i can handle correcting pubic to public   
TG: seriously karkat fucking phrasing theres like three of those  
CG: WHAT EXACTLY AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND AMUSING ABOUT MISSING OUT THE ‘L’ IN PUBLIC?  
TG: ill tell you when youre older  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]


	2. Chapter 2

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: ok so i get that earwax is all hot for poyo pop fever   
TG: on account of hes rich and studly or whatever  
TG: but he seems like kind of a douche tbh  
CG: HE’S A HIGHBLOOD, DAVE.   
CG: DOUCHINESS AMONG THE UPPER CLASSES IS PRETTY MUCH A GIVEN. BESIDES, HE’S ONLY ACTING LIKE THAT BECAUSE OF SOCIAL CONVENTION.  
CG: SHOWING WEAKNESS AROUND OTHER HIGHBLOODS IS AN INVITATION FOR THEM TO RIP YOUR THROAT OUT WITH THEIR PERFECTLY MANICURED CLAWS BEFORE HEADING BACK TO THE BUFFET TABLE.   
TG: ok fine   
TG: i can get behind that  
TG: but like  
TG: they have nothing in common  
TG: and so far all popeye has done is treat him like the shit he scraped off the bottom of his best peasant oppressing boots  
CG: LOOK, STRIDER.   
CG: I DON’T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THE INTRICACIES OF ALTERNIAN SOCIETY, CONSIDERING YOU ABSCOND QUICKER THAN A TRUNKBEAST THAT HAS SPOTTED A SQUEAKCRITTER WHENEVER I SO MUCH AS *SUGGEST* THAT YOU READ A NOVEL ON THE SUBJECT.  
TG: dude  
TG: the cover art alone is enough to give me nightmares  
CG: MY POINT *BEING*   
CG: LET ME FUCKING WRITE THE JUSTIFICATION FOR THIS SHIT BEFORE YOU GET UP ON YOUR HIGH HOOFBEAST.  
CG: POYUZE HAS BEEN WATCHING ERANTZ FOR SWEEPS, HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM.   
CG: HE’S GOT SOME ROMANTIC SHIT PLANNED, SO KEEP YOUR GODDAMN PANTS ON.  
TG: i thought the point was to take the pants off  
TG: youve been reading those novels all wrong man  
CG: HA HA FUCKING HA.  
TG: ok bromeo i believe you  
TG: but creepy stalker who could have you killed if you dont do what they want is not a good foundation for a relationship imho  
CG: FUCK YOU, STRIDER. AS IF YOU COULD RECOGNIZE FLUSHED CHEMISTRY IF IT WAVED ITS WIGGLY PARTS IN YOUR FACE.   
TG: which parts are the wiggly parts again  
CG: THEY'RE LOCATED AT THE INTERSECTION OF "FUCK YOU" AND "KISS MY WASTECHUTE".  
TG: im getting some mixed signals over here karkat  
TG: also im guessing that came out *way* more anatomically accurate than anticipated  
TG: in my expert opinion as the undisputed king of verbal faceplants id give it an 8.9  
TG: ill bump it to a 9.0 if you finish with the classic "yelling at past karkat" dismount  
CG: CAN WE JUST.  
CG: FORGET I SAID THAT. IT'S NOT AS IF WE DON'T HAVE TO MENTALLY ERASE HALF OF OUR CONVERSATIONS AS IT IS.  
TG: you got it man  
TG: one standard denial combro meal coming up  
TG: freudian slip what freudian slip  
TG: anyway  
TG: what about solune  
CG: WHAT ABOUT HER?  
TG: they hang out all the time   
TG: doing shit they actually seem to enjoy when earballs isnt yammering on about how hawt snooty mcasshole is  
TG: theyre like childhood friends or whatever  
TG: wouldnt she be a better matesprite   
CG: MATESPRIT.  
CG: THIS HAD BETTER NOT BE AN ATTEMPT TO FORCE YOUR HUMAN “NOT A HOMOSEXUAL” BULLSHIT ONTO MY STORY, DAVE.   
CG: I SWEAR TO GOD, I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH THAT SOCIALLY REPRESSED EARACHE.  
TG: what no  
TG: its just  
TG: they seem like a good match is all  
CG: I CONCEDE THAT THEY HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP, BUT I SAW SOLUNE AS MORE OF A POTENTIAL BLACKROM PARTNER.  
CG: THEY COULD GET A REAL RIVALRY GOING WITH ALL OF THAT HISTORY.   
TG: thats the hate date quadrant right  
TG: i cant see why theyd hate each other theyre like best bros  
CG: YES, DAVE. THE HATE DATE QUADRANT. THAT’S LITERALLY ALL THERE IS TO IT.  
CG: OH WAIT, NO IT ISN’T.  
CG: THEY’D BE RIVALS, MORON.   
CG: CONSTANTLY TRYING TO SURPASS EACH OTHER.   
CG: HATING THE OTHER WITH A BURNING PASSION WHEN THEY LOSE, FLYING HIGHER THAN THE MOON WHEN THEY WIN.  
CG: RIPPING EACH OTHER TO PIECES UNTIL ONE DAY THEY JUST...  
CG: GIVE IN.  
CG: LET THE FIRE CONSUME THEM BOTH.  
TG: fuck   
TG: that sounds   
TG: uh  
TG: intense  
CG: YEAH. IT IS.  
CG: I MEAN, I IMAGINE IT IS.   
CG: IT'S NOT AS AS IF ANYONE WOULD HAVE EVER VIEWED ME AS ANY KIND OF RIVAL.   
TG: hey man thats not true  
TG: i mean i dunno about all your little troll buddies  
TG: but you gave me a bunch of shit about tz way back when  
CG: WHICH YOU PAID ABSOLUTELY ZERO ATTENTION TO, IF I RECALL.  
TG: yeah but  
TG: maybe i just won that round  
CG: WHAT?   
CG: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, DAVE?  
TG: nothing dude  
TG: just tryin to make you feel better i guess  
TG: heres the latest spellchecked version  
TG: i shortened the title because seriously fuck that filename it was longer than the actual book  


turntechGodhead [TG]  attached the file ‘tentadongsinthemoonlightakarkatvantaspornextravaganza.doc’

CG: THAT IS NOT ANY FUCKING SHORTER, STRIDER.  
TG: no but its funnier  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you know what's weirder than writing gay porn about fictional aliens? Writing fictional teenagers awkwardly reacting to gay alien porn that never existed in the first place. 
> 
> I have passed beyond the weirdness veil, and everything out here is fucking hilarious.
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who has left kudos and comments :)  
> I'm 6/8 chapters written so far, so we should be on course to finish on schedule - the last 2 are proving a bit more difficult because of reasons.


	3. Chapter 3

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: DAVE, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!!?  
CG: LET ME REMIND YOU ONE MORE FUCKING TIME OF THE RULES REGARDING YOU SMEARING YOUR IGNORANT TRASHWITTED PROSE ALL OVER MY WORK:  
CG: DON'T.   
CG: FUCKING.   
CG: DO IT.   
TG: hold on man  
CG: NO I WILL NOT HOLD ON, STRIDER.   
CG: YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT THIS SHIT SO DON’T TRY AND SCHOOLFEED ME LIKE A GRUB WAVING A SICKLE AT A FULLY GROWN THRESHCUTIONER.  
TG: did you actually read it  
CG: YES, I READ IT. YOU RUINED THE KISS SCENE.  
TG: no, i get why youd think that   
TG: but let me explain before i get my limbs scattered to the four corners of the meteor  
TG: aka the four hiding places karkat can actually reach  
TG: i kept a backup of your version so try and find your chill for a moment  
TG: its out there somewhere man  
TG: dont give up hope  
CG: JUST.  
CG: EXPLAIN TO ME WHY YOU FELT THE NEED TO TAKE A PERFECT MOMENT AND SHIT ALL OVER IT WITH AWKWARDNESS AND HESITATION.   
CG: THEY’RE FUCKING MADE FOR EACH OTHER, STRIDER. I MADE THEM, SO THEY’LL FUCKING KISS AND THEY’LL LIKE IT.   
TG: look man your version was good ok  
TG: but like  
TG: erantz is poyuzes slave   
TG: you dont think it would cross his mind for even a minute that he might not have a choice in whether or not he locks lips with captain purplepants  
TG: not to mention that hes a lowblood with no freaky mental abilities  
TG: he basically has no power in that situation  
TG: i just thought it might give it more depth is all   
TG: rather than it being ‘oh yeah hot stuff lets kiss im poor and your rich but were both gonna have a totally awesome relationship and fill buckets all day long and nothing will ever go wrong’  
CG: THE POINT IS THAT THE COURT WOULD OSTRACIZE POYUZE IF THEY FOUND OUT, NOOKSTAIN.   
CG: THEY HAVE TO SNEAK AROUND AND IT’S HOT AS SHIT.  
TG: ok fine   
TG: stolen buttgrabs in the moonlight and secret oral under the dinner table im down with  
TG: but the whole having to hide the dirty lowblood trash like sweeping a dog turd under the rug so your parents dont make you get rid of the puppy  
TG: that sucks balls man  
CG: THAT’S WHAT ALTERNIA WAS LIKE, DAVE.   
CG: LOWBLOOD-HIGHBLOOD RELATIONSHIPS WERE COMMON, BUT NOT WITH SUCH A BIG DIFFERENCE IN BLOOD COLOR AND STATUS.  
CG: IF ERANTZ WAS TEAL OR EVEN OLIVE IT WOULD BE A SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE MATCH.  
CG: BUT HE’S SO LOW HE’S BASICALLY PITYBAIT, WHICH IS WHAT MAKES THE RELATIONSHIP SO SCANDALOUS.  
TG: pitybait  
CG: THE LOWER THE ON THE HEMOSPECTRUM A TROLL IS, THE LOWER THEIR SOCIAL STANDING AND THE MORE INHERENTLY PITIABLE THEY ARE.  
CG: ERANTZ IS A SLAVE, A RUSTBLOOD, HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE PSIONICS. POYUZE WOULD NEED HIS PAN EXAMINED IF HE DIDN’T PITY HIM.  
TG: so hes basically a megan fox in the hen-house  
TG: all ‘woe is me my life sucks arent i fuckable’  
TG: the thing is hes got so much more going for him   
TG: like he can sew like a motherfucker and hes a crackshot with the crossbow  
TG: he handed solune her ass at playing whatever the fuck the seven-string pluck reverberator is in the lowblood talent contest that you crowbarred in so they could build up their rivalry  
TG: seriously how did music even work on alternia   
TG: on the the percussive hit-circles we have johnny bighorns accompanied by steve mcbulgetease on six-string thrum-rocket and jeff nookblaster on four-string bowel-wobbler  
CG: STRIDER. YOU'RE DOING THE INFURIATING BABBLETANGENT THING AGAIN.  
TG: it just seems like he deserves a relationship with someone who wouldnt be ashamed  
TG: and would also be interested in him for all the awesome stuff rather than just because hes hot with a capital h  
CG: WELL...OK.  
CG: I GUESS THAT LENDS AT LEAST SOME SENSE TO YOUR SENSELESS ACT OF DESECRATION.  
CG: IT'S ACTUALLY...KIND OF ROMANTIC.  
CG: I'M SURPRISED, DAVE.  
TG: hey what can i say  
TG: i got a romantic soul karkat  
TG: under this handsome and impassive exterior beats the heart of a man who thinks people deserve to be appreciated by the person they fuck  
CG: HOW POETIC.  
CG: ON HIS HUMAN CORPSE TABLET THEY INSCRIBED: 'DAVE STRIDER: APPRECIATIVE FUCKER'.  
CG: MAYBE IT *WOULD* BE BETTER IF ERANTZ GIVES IN TO HIS URGES WITH POYUZE AND THEN DECIDES IT WAS A MISTAKE.   
CG: HYPOTHETICALLY, OF COURSE.  
CG: THAT WOULD REQUIRE US TO ENTERTAIN THE POSSIBILITY THAT A UNIVERSE COULD EXIST WHERE YOU ARE ACTUALLY CAPABLE OF HAVING A DECENT STORY IDEA.  
CG: IT COULD LEAD TO SOME INTERESTING PLOT DYNAMICS, THOUGH.  
TG: sounds good man do it  
TG: also change all of the shit i wrote because it is straight up awful  
CG: YOU DON’T NEED TO TELL ME THAT, I HAVE FUNCTIONING GANDERBULBS AND HAVE SO FAR MANAGED NOT TO LIQUIDIZE MY THINKSPONGE DESPITE REPEATED EXPOSURE TO THE PAN-ROTTING NONSENSE THAT ROUTINELY GUSHES FROM YOUR NOISE-HOLE.  
CG: “ERANTZ GAZED DEEPLY INTO POYUZE’S VIOLET EYES AND WONDERED ~~IF THIS MOMENT WOULD BE THE FULFILLMENT OF ALL OF HIS WILDEST DREAMS. WHEN POYUZE TENDERLY CLOSED THE DISTANCE BETWEEN THEIR QUIVERING LIPS, HE WAS NOT DISAPPOINTED.~~ if he’d still be able to walk tomorrow after taking it all night long from this pretentious asscanoe who acted like he owned him. Which he literally did, and the fact he was trying to force a sexual relationship was more fucked up than his best friend solune was hot. Also quivering is not a sexy word in any context.”  
TG: i think i might have missed my calling dude  
TG: dave strider pornographer extraordinaire  
CG: FOR THE LAST TIME, THIS IS NOT PORN. IT’S FUCKING LITERATURE.  
TG: fine man if you want to call porn ‘fucking literature’ be my guest  
CG: THE TIMELINE WHERE YOU WRITE ANYTHING OTHER THAN SLAM POETRY SO SHITTY THAT EVERYONE FLEES THE ROOM IN DISGUST WHEN YOU TRY TO DEMONSTRATE IT IS IRREVOCABLY DOOMED.  
CG: I CAN ALMOST HEAR THEIR KARKAT’S SCREAMS OF FRUSTRATION ECHOING ACROSS PARADOX SPACE.  
CG: IF YOU LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY YOU CAN HEAR HIM CRYING BITTER TEARS OF RAGE.  
TG: all i can hear is the sound of you rolling your eyes like catherine wheels  
TG: i think you might need to see the mediculler or docterrorist or whatever about that man  
TG: youre starting to develop a squeak  
CG: MY EYES ARE JUST FINE, THANK YOU. I CAN MANAGE SIXTY ROLLS PER MINUTE EASILY.  
CG: OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE “STRIDER FREQUENCY”.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]


	4. Chapter 4

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]  


TG: so like  
TG: i hate to break it to you dude  
TG: but kikari is kind of a bitch  
TG: i know youre all in love with describing how beautiful she is and how lucky erantz is to have her as a monorail  
TG: but he is getting so hosed by that nutcase  
CG: NO HE FUCKING ISN'T.  
CG: THEY HAVE TEXTBOOK PALE COMPATIBILITY, DAVE.  
CG: KIKARI SUPPORTS HIM FINANCIALLY AND IN RETURN HE CALMS HER SHIT DOWN.  
CG: EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT?  
TG: so shes his sugar momma and in return he has to like wash her feet and listen to her going on and on about court politics  
TG: which by the way  
TG: snoozapalooza dude  
TG: i guarentee nobody reading gives two aerodynamically shaped fucks about who got who excommunicated to the colonies for looking at the empress funny  
TG: theres way too many characters in this thing as it is  
CG: LOOK, DAVE.  
CG: I INDULGED YOUR STUPID WORD VOMIT ABOUT THE FLUSHED QUADRANT, BECAUSE AT LEAST HUMANS ACTUALLY *HAVE* FLUSHED FEELINGS.  
CG: BUT I KNOW YOU THINK THE PALE QUADRANT IS JUST THE 'CUDDLE QUADRANT' SO DON'T GIVE ME SHIT ABOUT HOW I WRITE MOIRAILLEGIANCE.  
TG: fine  
TG: whats it like having a moirail then  
TG: if i dont have a clue then school me mr romance expert  
TG: i aint gonna learn shit if you just fob me off with one of your books with a swirling vortex of technicolor dudeflesh on the cover  
TG: striders dont do booklearning man  
TG: were a simple people  
TG: with simple dreams  
TG: mostly involving sick beats and doritos  
CG: THEREFORE MAKING YOU IDEAL TO PROOFREAD MY BOOK.  
CG: OF COURSE!!!  
CG: ANOTHER STELLAR DECISION FROM THE THINK-PAN THAT GAVE AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE CANCER!!!  
CG: NATURALLY I PICKED THE ILLITERATE HUMAN FOR SUCH AN IMPORTANT TASK, RATHER THAN THE ONE THAT SOAKS UP BOOKS LIKE A FUCKING HOLESUCKER.  
TG: dude  
TG: i know you know the word sponge  
TG: ive heard you say it  
TG: not that im not in love with holesucker thats totally what im gonna call it from now on  
TG: like hey karkat im jumping in the shower have you seen the holesucker  
TG: and youre like "SURE MAN I GOT YOUR HOLESUCKER RIGHT HERE"  
TG: and then its awkward as shit and i have to go laugh silently in the bathroom for like ten minutes solid  
CG: NOT THAT THAT LITTLE VIGNETTE WASN'T AN ENTERTAINING WINDOW INTO YOUR TWISTED IMAGINATION,  
CG: WHERE APPARENTLY WE LIVE TOGETHER FOR SOME BIZARRE REASON,  
CG: BUT DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MOIRAILLEGIANCE OR NOT?  
TG: hey so  
TG: you wouldnt want to live together   
TG: i mean if we beat the game and it sets us up with some sweet digs  
TG: after two years its difficult to imagine living somewhere i cant hear you constantly stomping around and yelling at yourself in the distance  
TG: like a sort of soothing angry white noise  
TG: i think itd be sweet in a non echoey space rock setting too  
TG: yknow  
TG: if you wanted to  
CG: SERIOUSLY?  
TG: yeah man  
TG: why wouldnt i want to be roomies with my best bro  
CG: WELL, YEAH.  
CG: I GUESS THAT WOULD BE PRETTY GREAT, AS LONG AS WE BOTH ACTUALLY SURVIVE THE END OF THE FUCKING UNIVERSE.  
TG: thats kind of a given  
CG: I SORT OF ALWAYS SAW MYSELF LIVING WITH MY MOIRAIL, BUT THAT DOES SOUND SURPRISINGLY FUN.  
TG: yo its cool if you want to live with the clown  
TG: i mean not *cool*  
TG: *insane*  
TG: but its your funeral dude  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: GOD NO. GAMZEE IS NOT MY MOIRAIL.  
CG: AS PER USUAL, ALL OF MY QUADRANTS ARE AS EMPTY AS MY COBWEB-ENCRUSTED SOCIAL CALENDAR.  
TG: same bro  
TG: nothing to be ashamed of in the living the single life  
TG: well be the swingingest batchelors in universe c  
CG: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHO OR WHAT YOU'LL BE SWINGING, DAVE.  
TG: and john and sollux or whoever can move in too if you want  
TG: in the imaginary victory apartment i mean  
TG: wed have all the fucking consoles man  
TG: all of them  
CG: NO OFFENSE TO EGBERT, BUT THE IDEA OF COHABITING WITH SOMEONE WHO ENTERTAINS HIMSELF BY CONSTANTLY BALANCING SEXUAL PARAPHERNALIA ON TOP OF DOORS IS MY IDEA OF HELL.  
CG: I'D RATHER WEAR SANDPAPER UNDERWEAR FOR THE REST OF MY MISERABLE EXISTENCE.  
CG: AS FOR SOLLUX, HE'S ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS BUT I DON'T THINK I COULD COPE WITH EVERYTHING I OWN GRADUALLY BECOMING NAUSEATINGLY STICKY DUE TO EXPOSURE TO GROSS LITTLE BEE FEET.  
CG: NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT HE SOMETIMES BLOWS HOLES IN THE WALLS IF HE LOSES AT VIDEOGAMES.  
TG: god damn karkat  
TG: imagine the carnage of combining egberts pie throwing habit with a twitchy psionic and an apartment full of pissed off bees  
CG: HOLY MOTHERGRUBBING SHIT.  
TG: there will be no survivors  
CG: JUST A SMOKING CRATER.  
TG: yeah  
TG: so moirails usually live together huh  
CG: YEAH.   
CG: A GOOD MOIRAILLEGIENCE IS USUALLY THE MOST STABLE OF A TROLL’S QUADRANTS.  
CG: THEY TEND TO BOND FOR LIFE, LIVE TOGETHER, DO ALL OF THE NAUSEATING DOMESTIC BULLSHIT.  
CG: UNLESS THEIR MOIRAIL TURNS OUT TO BE A PSYCHO WHO PRIORITIZES HIS NONSENSICAL CLOWN RELIGION OVER THEM.  
TG: shit  
TG: that   
TG: i fucking feel for you man  
TG: that sucks  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: IT DOES.  
TG: well   
TG: fuck him then  
TG: he didnt fucking deserve you anyway  
TG: so  
TG: what i meant to ask was  
TG: why is erantz living in some swanky ass apartment quarters that kikari paid for rather than with her  
CG: THAT IS...A VERY GOOD QUESTION.  
CG: I GUESS BECAUSE SHE’S SORT OF A BIG SHOT IN THE COURT, ESPECIALLY FOR A CERULEAN.  
CG: I DON’T REALLY KNOW. IT WOULDN’T DAMAGE HER REPUTATION.  
CG: I GUESS I DIDN’T SEE THEM AS BEING THAT KIND OF MOIRAILS.  
CG: THE PARTNERSHIP IS MORE, I DON'T KNOW, FORMAL?  
TG: is formal a good thing or a bad thing  
CG: IT’S...PROBABLY NOT GREAT.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]


	5. Chapter 5

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: sup dude  
TG: i got the latest edits for you here 

turntechGodhead [TG] attached the file ‘nookstuffersxviibiggerlongeranduncut.doc’

TG: i was gonna call it 'two trolls one bucket'   
TG: but then i realized thats like calling it 'vanilla sex: missionary edition'  
CG: UGH. YOU ARE SICK, STRIDER.  
TG: theres no cure for what i got babe  
TG: and its contagious as shit  
TG: also what gives   
TG: there was like a huge chunk missing and then everyone was avoiding each other  
TG: cough it up man  
CG: YOU DON’T NEED THAT BIT.   
CG: I CHECKED AND DOUBLE CHECKED IT AND THERE ARE NO MISTAKES.  
TG: dude  
TG: are you holding out on me   
TG: theres fricking and i dont even get to read it  
TG: what the hell  
CG: FOR FUCK’S SAKE, DAVE.  
CG: MAYBE I’M NOT COMFORTABLE SHARING MY FUMBLING, AMATEURISH ATTEMPTS AT WRITING A LOVE SCENE WITH MY BEST HUMAN BRO SO THAT HE CAN CRITIQUE IT.  
CG: ‘CRITIQUE’ BEING CODE FOR ‘LAUGH AT’  
TG: cmon man i wont laugh  
TG: i promise   
TG: if i do itll be way out of earshot   
CG: NO WAY.  
CG: ITS TOO EMBARRASSING.  
TG: please bro  
TG: im begging like one of your hawt troll studs over here  
TG: please give me the gift of amateur gay alien porn  
TG: you never have to get me a birthday present for the rest of my life  
TG: ill never ask santa for a pony again  
CG: I SAID NO, STRIDER. DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE ABOUT THIS.  
TG: ok man chill  
TG: i just wanted to find out what happens  
TG: im like fifty thousand words in the hole on these guys and none of them are fucking talking to each other  
CG: DON’T PRETEND YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THE CHARACTERS, DAVE.   
TG: what of course i do  
CG: NO YOU DON’T, FUCKMUNCH. I KNOW YOU HATE ROMANTIC LITERATURE.  
TG: not one of a kind vantas originals   
TG: this stuff is awesome  
TG: you think id bother giving my two cents if i didnt give a shit  
TG: i grew up poorer than erantz dude   
TG: i keep every cent i get my grubby orphan hands on  
CG: DON’T TRY TO BULLSHIT ME, ASSHOLE.   
TG: no bullshit   
TG: cross my fragile human heart and hope to die horribly at the hands of a dog shaped universe murderer   
TG: totally straight up  
CG: HMM...   
TG: cmon cmon cmon please man  
CG: I’M DECIDING.  
TG: ill give you all my smuppets for your pile of crap  
CG: YOU HATE THOSE THINGS. WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE THEM?  
CG: I CERTAINLY DON’T WANT A PILE OF DEAD-EYED PLUSH HORRORS STARING AT ME ALL NIGHT.  
TG: and my snacks and my collection of interesting dustbunnies  
CG: STRIDER, YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT.  
TG: how forward of you mr vantas  
TG: propositioning a young man in such a manner  
TG: you gotta woo these pants off   
CG: I WANT THE CAPE. FOR A PERIGREE.  
TG: no man  
TG: not the cape  
TG: you can have everything *but* the cape   
TG: and my underwear obviously   
TG: i need those man theres ladies on the meteor after all  
TG: i can rock the spartan look if itll protect the sanctity of my poor innocent cape  
TG: and besides this bod is too kickin to keep under wraps  
CG: I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO ‘WOO’ THE PANTS OFF?  
CG: YOU’RE FUCKING SHAMELESS, DAVE.  
TG: you know it  
CG: NO DEAL.   
CG: GIVE ME THE CAPE OR NO PORN FOR YOU.  
CG: I SHALL DEFILE IT AS I SEE FIT.  
TG: sick dude  
CG: TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT, BULGEMUNCH.  
TG: you drive a hard bargain karkat  
TG: fine   
TG: i will relinquish the cape   
TG: you monster  
CG: WE HAVE A DEAL.

_____________

   
_____________

CG: OK...  
CG: I KNOW I’LL REGRET THIS FOR THE REST OF MY MISERABLE LIFE.  
carcinoGenetecist [CG] attached the file ‘DONTYOUFUCKINGDARESHARETHISWITHANYONEORISHREDTHECAPE.doc’  
TG: whoa thats a lot of words  
TG: im gonna need a couple of hours to fully digest this  
CG: JUST DON’T GIVE ME A RUNNING COMMENTARY, OK?   
TG: dude im not gonna be able to type  
TG: my hands will be totally occupied  
CG: FUCK YOU.   
TG: let me finish  
TG: occupied hanging on to the edge of my seat  
CG: MESSAGE ME WHEN YOU HAVE SOMETHING HELPFUL TO SAY, AND NOT BEFORE.   
TG: cool going afk now  
TG: gotta alchemize a shitload of tissues  
CG: YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKWIT, WHY THE HELL DO I INTERACT WITH YOU?  
TG: for my *emotional* needs karkat  
TG: so i can weep over the sheer beauty of their love  
TG: also for jacking it to this sweet tentacle action  
TG: brb 

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]


	6. Chapter 6

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: DAVE?  
CG: IT'S BEEN ALMOST SIX HOURS SINCE YOU SAID YOU'D 'BRB'.  
CG: I GUESS WHAT YOU ACTUALLY *MEANT* WAS 'BBAAELT'  
CG: OR 'BE BACK AFTER AN EXCRUCIATINGLY LONG TIME'  
CG: DAVE?  
CG: I KNOW YOU'VE READ IT ALL BY NOW.  
CG: JUST LAND THE KILLING BLOW ALREADY AND PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY.  
TG: what  
TG: no  
TG: calm down dude  
TG: its good  
CG: REALLY? YOU ACTUALLY THINK IT'S GOOD?  
TG: yeah  
CG: YOU'RE ACTING WEIRD. I JUST SENT YOU THOUSANDS OF WORDS OF MORTIFYINGLY EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT AND ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY IS "its good"   
CG: ARE YOU OK?  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: DID I GROSS YOU OUT??   
CG: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, I KNEW I PUT TOO MUCH DETAIL IN.   
CG: SHIT, I BET YOU'VE BEEN SPEWING STARCHTUBER CHIPS AND SODA ALL OVER YOUR RESPITEBLOCK LIKE A ONE MAN DISGUST TORNADO!  
TG: karkat  
TG: stop panicking man  
TG: the writing is great ok not gross or anything  
TG: just kinda really different to human sexytimes  
TG: based on my zero experience of the whole shebang obviously  
TG: not bad different  
TG: just different  
CG: OH...OK.  
CG: HOW IS IT DIFFERENT?  
TG: the spirit of the bangin between er an po was fairly similar to human style  
TG: ignoring the buckets and tentacles and nooks all over the place   
TG: but like  
TG: was erantz meant to be into it or what  
TG: he seemed like maybe he wasnt so much  
TG: or it was disappointing or whatever  
CG: I TOOK SOME OF WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT HIM BEING A SLAVE INTO ACCOUNT, SINCE YOU ASK.   
CG: HOW HE'S ATTRACTED TO POYUZE BUT MAYBE NOT FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, AND THAT DOESN'T LEAD TO THE BEST OVERALL EXPERIENCE, I GUESS.   
CG: IT DOESN'T LIVE UP TO HIS EXPECTATIONS, BUT THAT'LL PROVIDE A NICE CONTRAST FOR THE NEXT FEW CHAPTERS.  
CG: IN HINDSIGHT, IT PROBABLY WASN'T THE BEST SCENE FOR YOU TO READ AS AN INTRODUCTION TO FLUSHED PAILING. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M TYPING THIS AND I'M STILL GOING TO SEND IT, BUT THERE YOU GO.  
CG: MY SHAME BLADDER MUST FINALLY BE EMPTY. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.  
TG: ok well  
TG: the whole unfulfilling semi-questionable consent stuff  
TG: it made me kinda worried  
TG: uh  
TG: about you  
CG: WHAT? WHY?  
TG: look  
TG: this is hard ok  
TG: striders dont come with a manual for serious shit  
CG: DAVE?   
TG: you and the murderclown  
TG: you used to disappear for hours to hang out with him and like  
TG: the combo of defenceless lowblood and scary ass highblood  
TG: red and purple even  
TG: its just  
CG: WHOA, WHOA.  
CG: STOP RIGHT THERE.  
CG: GAMZEE NEVER DID ANYTHING TO ME EXCEPT IGNORE THE FUCK OUT OF ME SO HE COULD COMMUNE WITH HIS IMAGINARY GODS.  
CG: HE CERTAINLY DIDN'T HURT ME PHYSICALLY, OR TRY ANYTHING LIKE THAT.  
CG: HE'D HAVE BEEN CHAINSAWED INTO MICROSCOPIC CHUNKS BY NOW IF HE HAD.  
CG: KANAYA WOULD HAVE KNOWN INSTANTLY, AND I DON'T THINK EVEN GAMZEE COULD SURVIVE AGAINST AN ENRAGED RAINBOW DRINKER.   
TG: thank fuck  
TG: dude i hope you can hear my sigh of relief whistling through the vents as if egbert appeared and did the stupid windy thing  
CG: ALSO, FUCK YOU. I AM NOT DEFENCELESS.  
TG: sorry  
TG: i know that  
TG: but didnt he kill two of your strongest guys without breaking a sweat  
CG: YES.  
CG: YES HE DID.  
TG: anyway  
TG: fucking phew  
CG: SHIT, DAVE.  
CG: YOU WERE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT ME?  
TG: of course dicknuts  
TG: why wouldnt i be  
CG: THAT'S, UM.  
CG: THANKS.  
TG: people fucking care about you you know  
TG: i dunno why you have this complex where you think youre like a disposable member of the team that nobody gives a shit about  
TG: im the one wearing the red shirt karkat  
CG: DAVE, LET'S BE HONEST HERE.  
CG: IF GAMZEE OR ERIDAN OR WHOEVER ELSE WAS RAMPAGING MURDEROUSLY ON THE DAY MY REALITY SPLINTERED INTO TINY SHARDS OF WHITE-HOT AGONY HAD ACCIDENTALLY OFFED ME ON THE WAY TO TAKING OUT SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY MATTERED,  
CG: THE TIMELINE WOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING CHANGED ONE IOTA.  
CG: WHAT EXACLTY AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IN THE FINAL BOSS FUCKFEST, DAVE?  
CG: YELL THEM INTO SUBMISSION?  
TG: dude  
TG: just stop  
TG: stop with the idea that you only matter battlewise and stop discounting who you are karkat  
TG: you want me to be honest?  
TG: fine  
TG: rose and i basically prepared ourselves to die just before we met you guys  
TG: permadeath  
TG: game over  
TG: no more extra lives  
TG: we werent expecting the god tier continue timer to appear and pull our asses out of the literal giant green ball of fire  
TG: insert coin for immortality  
TG: do you think i would still be  
TG: sane  
TG: or you know  
TG: even slightly glad that i didnt die  
TG: if you werent here  
TG: you fucking matter to me  
CG: I GUESS I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT LIKE THAT.  
TG: well its the truth  
TG: do whatever you want with it  
CG: THANKS, DAVE.  
CG: THAT...MEANS A LOT.  
CG: YOU MATTER TO ME TOO, I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT.  
CG: AND I *AM* GLAD THAT I DIDN'T GET UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A JUGGLING CLUB OR A LAMEASS SCIENCE-WAND.  
CG: JUST SO YOU KNOW.  
TG: dont mention it  
TG: seriously dont because i bet roses spooky psychologist senses are tingling right now  
TG: like "holy smokes oedi-pal"  
TG: "daves being emotionally available for once"  
TG: "lets slide down the thinly veiled boner analogy poles into the cave that represents the desire to return to the womb"  
TG: "jump in the penis envymobile and roll out"  
TG: sometimes being honest about your feelings is just a cigar rose  
CG: DAVE, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.  
CG: AS PER USUAL.  
CG: BUT THANKS. FOR BEING HONEST.  
TG: no problem  
TG: you let me read your own personal fantasy bulgechoking fodder   
TG: thats a sacred bond of brohood that can never be broken  
CG: IT ACTUALLY KIND OF IS.  
CG: SHARING THAT STUFF WITH YOU WASN'T NEARLY AS CRINGEWORTHY AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.  
TG: nah man  
TG: were bound together forever  
TG: united by the forces of writhing fictional bulges  
TG: because  
TG: karkat  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: i have *so much* ammunition for messing with you now  
CG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.  
TG: kidding man  
TG: also  
TG: im gonna need you to explain to rose why i cant clean the common area anymore  
TG: because i dont think i can look at a bucket again without popping the universes most inappropriate boner  
TG: in other words  
TG: mission accomplished vantas  
TG: you broke my dick  
CG: WOW.  
CG: HOW WILL YOU PERFORM ANY OF YOUR BASIC FUNCTIONS WITH YOUR THINKSPONGE OUT OF COMMISSION, DAVE?  
CG: I'M SURPRISED YOU'RE COORDINATED ENOUGH TO TYPE RIGHT NOW.  
TG: what do you think im typing with  
CG: YOU NEED HELP. PROFESSIONAL HELP.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fyi - the line about Dave's emotional honesty being "just a cigar" is a reference to Freud, who is often misquoted as having said:
> 
> _"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar"_
> 
> In response to accusations that it was awfully ironic that he seemed to want to put a cylindrical object in his mouth and suck on it like there was no tomorrow pretty much all of the time.
> 
> Headcanon: Dave uses this against Rose whenever he's had enough of her attempts at therapizing. It's surprisingly effective.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's just say that Karkat's fantasies were a lot more creative this time around :D

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: dude what the fuck  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK WHAT?  
TG: "solune rolled her eyes behind dark glasses. She had taken to wearing them recently, although erantz couldn't tell if it was simply a cowardly attempt to hide her emotions from the world, or because she knew they infuriated him. He thought she looked ridiculous."  
TG: like  
TG: fuckin ouch   
CG: DAVE.  
CG: YOU DIDN'T FINISH WHAT I SENT, DID YOU?  
TG: well no  
TG: i was too busy trying to pull this goddamn knife out of my back  
TG: talk about a character assassination bro  
TG: im having a funeral for my ego over here  
CG: ANY RESEMBLANCE TO PERSONS, LIVING OR DEAD,   
CG: IS PURELY GO FUCK YOURSELF.  
CG: FINISH READING BEFORE YOU GET YOUR CAPE IN A TWIST.  
CG: OH, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU CAN'T.  
CG: IN A TYPICAL ‘DAVE STRIDER BRILLIANT LIFE DECISIONTM’, YOU TRADED YOUR PRECIOUS ‘GODHOOD’ FOR AMATEUR PORNOGRAPHY.   
CG: THIS THING IS WARM AS SHIT, BY THE WAY.  
TG: you dont need to tell me dude  
TG: im fucking freezing  
TG: youre causing me both physical and emotional pain karkat  
TG: i might die tragically in a puddle of ironic tears before this epic bulgefest is even finished  
CG: I CAN WAIT FIVE MINUTES FOR YOUR CORPSE TO REANIMATE, STRIDER.  
CG: THAT SHOULD BE JUST ENOUGH TIME TO MESS WITH THE BODY.  
TG: gross man  
TG: if youre gonna molest me at least do it when im conscious  
CG: I WAS THINKING MORE ALONG THE LINES OF WRITING “BULGELICKER” ALL OVER YOUR FACE WITH PERMANENT MARKERS,   
CG: BUT I'LL BEAR THAT IN MIND.  
CG: CORPSE FUCKERY ASIDE...  
CG: WHAT'S THAT SOUND I HEAR ECHOING ACROSS THE METEOR?  
CG: IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, IT'S THE SOUND OF DAVE STRIDER *NOT READING*.  
CG: FINISH THE CHAPTER BEFORE YOU KISS GOODBYE TO THAT HANDLE YOU LOVE SO MUCH.  
TG: fine im on it  
TG: keep your nubs on

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

\--------------------------------------------------------

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: holy shitting fucktrumpets  
CG: NOW, *THAT* IS THE RESPONSE I WAS EXPECTING.  
TG: seriously karkat  
TG: fucking bravo on the twist   
CG: I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING KING OF TWISTS, DAVE. YOU'LL NEVER WALK STRAIGHT AGAIN.  
TG: ha probably  
TG: im a little outta the loop on all this blood color biz but the take home message seems to be that solune is *fucked*  
TG: like   
TG: more fucked than a pornstar working overtime to pay for her kids college tuition  
CG: PRETTY MUCH.   
CG: EYE COLOR FILLS IN AT AROUND TEN SWEEPS FOR LOWBLOODS, SO SOLUNE WAS GOING TO STRUGGLE TO HIDE THE FACT THAT SHE WASN’T A BRONZEBLOOD ONCE THAT STARTED TO HAPPEN.  
TG: hence the asshole shades  
TG: btw  
TG: the subtext is hella understated   
TG: and i might be reading too much into your throbbing sexual masterpiece  
TG: but im sensing you have a problem with my devotion to the ayyyytfold path of cool karkat  
CG: REALLY?   
CG: AND THERE I WAS THINKING IT WOULD TAKE YOU ANOTHER SWEEP TO FIGURE OUT THAT I THINK YOU LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE ASSCANDLE IN THOSE THINGS.  
TG: nah man i knew that  
TG: i meant yknow  
TG: all the wanting to see my emotions shit  
CG: WELL, IT DOES MAKE IT DIFFICULT TO INTERACT WITH YOU WHEN HALF OF YOUR STUPID SMUG FACE IS COVERED AND THE OTHER HALF IS FIXED IN STOIC FUCKNOZZLE POSITION #1.  
CG: THERE ARE NO OTHER NUMBERS ON THE SCALE, BECAUSE I DON’T THINK I’VE EVER SEEN YOUR PERFECTLY VACANT HUMAN FACE MOVE.   
TG: youre not looking hard enough dude  
TG: theres a whole rainbow of subtly different strider expressions   
TG: a magical spectrum from ambiguous beige to enigmatic taupe  
CG: I'M PRETTY SURE I'VE ONLY SEEN 'PRETENTIOUS DOUCHE'   
TG: everything from ‘oh my god im going to kill karkat if he doesnt shut up’   
TG: to ‘holy fuck watching trolls eat popcorn for the first time is the cutest shit i have ever seen'  
CG: FUCK YOU, THAT SHIT GETS STUCK IN MY TEETH.   
CG: IF IT DIDN’T TASTE LIKE THE HOLY OFFSPRING OF COTTON CANDY AND GRUBLOAF, I WOULDN’T TOUCH IT WITH A FIFTY-FOOT REACH-EXTENDER.  
TG: i thought you were never gonna come down from that sugar high man  
TG: so  
TG: freaking   
TG: adorable  
CG: SHUT UP.  
TG: so what exactly does it mean if someone gets ‘helmed’   
TG: cause from the gospel according to vantas (xxx edition) all i can tell is that its the equivalent of being violated vigorously and repeatedly by a particularly spiky cactus  
CG: PRETTY MUCH.  
CG: IF ANYONE FINDS OUT THAT SOLUNE IS A YELLOWBLOOD WHO’S BEEN CONCEALING HER PSIONIC ABILITIES, SHE’LL BE INSTALLED INSIDE A SHIP AS THE POWER SOURCE.  
CG: PROBABLY A FUCKING PRISON TRANSPORT OR SOME OTHER MENIAL SHITSHOW, SINCE SHE TRIED TO WIGGLE OUT OF IT.  
CG: SHE’LL BE STUCK IN THE HELMSCOLUMN FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE, UNABLE TO MOVE, SPEAK, DO ANYTHING EXCEPT PILOT THE SHIP AND POWER IT UNTIL SHE BURNS HERSELF OUT.  
TG: fuck  
TG: alternia was fucking messed up karkat  
TG: that is downright horrifying  
CG: YEAH.   
CG: IT PROBABLY WOULD HAVE HAPPENED TO SOLLUX IF HE’D SURVIVED BEING CULLED FOR HIS VARIOUS MUTATIONS.  
TG: dude  
TG: not to sound massively culturally insensitive or anything but sometimes i am really goddamn glad your planet blew up  
CG: ...ME TOO.   
CG: WHICH MAKES ME A PISS-POOR EXCUSE FOR A TROLL, I GUESS.  
CG: THEN AGAIN, WHAT ELSE IS FUCKING NEW.  
TG: does it even matter any more  
TG: you and the others are like the only trolls left   
TG: that means you get to decide what it means to be a troll right  
CG: I GUESS.  
TG: just fyi   
TG: im gonna suggest you remove the homicidal maniac requirements from the troll constitution  
TG: i mean if we get to build a shiny new human civilization on the other side of this then its sure as shit gonna be better than the one i grew up in  
CG: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD PLAN. IT COULDN'T BE ANY WORSE THAN ALTERNIA.  
CG: SO...  
CG: WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE. UH.   
CG: THE REST OF THE CHAPTER?  
TG: uh  
TG: well  
TG: thats a tricky one to put into words dude   
CG: THAT HAS TO BE A FIRST FOR YOU, STRIDER.  
TG: put it this way im fucking glad i alchemized those tissues  
TG: i dunno what the awards are for frick frack fiction  
TG: but that gets five golden boners from me  
TG: also i am literally green with envy over here because fuck  
TG: both sets of junk   
TG: i wasnt exactly a hundred percent on the whole chicks with dicks and dudes with nooks concept before but   
TG: holy shit  
CG: WE ARE THE SUPERIOR SPECIES, AFTER ALL.   
CG: IT'S NOT AS IF I HAVEN'T BEEN TELLING YOU THAT ALL ALONG. I GUESS I SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED THAT EVERYTHING I SAY JUST ECHOES THROUGH THE HOLLOW SPACE AT THE CENTER OF YOUR SKULL BEFORE EXITING YOUR OTHER AURAL CANAL.  
TG: whatever you say karkat  
TG: humans got skills too you know  
TG: anyway  
TG: all that growly posturing and being assholes to each other   
TG: and solune throwing erantz around with her mind powers  
TG: that was a kismespades thing right  
TG: but the rest of it seemed kinda  
TG: not that  
CG: IT’S CALLED VACILLATION.   
CG: SOME COUPLES FLIP BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE RED AND BLACK QUADRANTS.   
CG: THOSE RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE...TUMULTUOUS, BUT THEY'RE INCREDIBLY SATISFYING.  
CG: AGAIN, I'M BASING THIS ON EXTENSIVE RESEARCH RATHER THAN EXPERIENCE.   
CG: UNFORTUNATELY.  
TG: extensive research huh  
TG: am i gonna have to revoke your library card for loud and repeated violation of the quiet study policy  
CG: SINCE WHEN ARE YOU THE LIBARBARIAN ON THIS METEOR? I'M THE ONE WHO HAD THE FORESIGHT TO BRING ALONG AN ENLIGHTENING SELECTION OF RESEARCH MATERIALS WHEN I LEFT MY HIVE PLANET.   
TG: i fucking love that your first thought when the game happened was 'the universe is ending gotta save the porn'   
CG: AT LEAST I HAD PRIORITIES, DAVE. IF I WAS GOING TO PRESERVE ANYTHING FROM OUR DEAD CIVILIZATION, IT MIGHT AS WELL BE OUR SUPERIOR ROMANTIC LITERATURE.   
TG: well whatever bizarre kinks youve acquired in the pursuit of fappiness have definitely paid off writingwise  
TG: i think i might need medical attention  
TG: paging dr vantas   
TG: theres a category three friction burn in ward D that needs immediate treatment  
CG: YOU'LL HAVE TO SUCK IT UP, STRIDER, BECAUSE MY DOCTORATE IS A PHD IN FUCK YOU.  
TG: is it now  
CG: STFU.  
TG: dude this has gotta be the hottest thesis ever  
TG: seriously well done  
CG: THANKS.   
CG: I AM THANKING DAVE STRIDER FOR REVIEWING MY SMUT SCRIBBLINGS WITH A TOTALLY STRAIGHT FACE. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I BECOME.  
TG: nah man you worry too much thats some good shit right there  
CG: I CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT, I SUPPOSE.   
CG: THE DESCRIPTION IS PROBABLY MASSIVELY IDEALIZED, BUT IT’S MY FANTASY SO WHO GIVES A FUCK.  
TG: totally  
TG: you do you bro  
TG: anyway it seems like erantz and solune have a good thing going if they live through this life altering peril shit  
TG: like an x-rated fairytale   
TG: boy is best bros with hot asshole  
TG: they both crush on each other in the most stupid and frustrating ways possible  
TG: asshole turns out to be less of an asshole than boy initially thought  
CG: I WOULDN’T GO THAT FAR.  
TG: but is still totally smokin hot  
TG: boy finally gets with the program  
TG: sloppy makeouts etc  
TG: cut print and send to the movie studio  
TG: or porn studio whatever  
CG: PARADOX SPACE *CLEARLY* LOST ITS GREATEST ROMANCE NOVELIST WHEN YOU PUT DOWN YOUR IRONICALLY LARGE QUILL PEN AND TOOK UP DRAWING SHITTY COMICS INSTEAD,  
CG: BUT THAT DOES SOUND LIKE A GOOD STORY (:B  
CG: I’VE ALMOST FINISHED THE ENDING. I’LL SEND IT TO YOU WHEN I’M DONE.  
TG: fingers crossed for a happy ending man  
TG: they deserve it

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Solune's psionics are more like Aradia's than Sollux's, but the empire tends not to care so long as you can power a ship.


	8. Chapter 8

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: ive said it before  
TG: ill say it again  
TG: kikari is a huge bitch  
CG: WHAT?   
CG: NO SHE ISN’T, SHE DIDN’T TURN THEM IN.  
CG: SHE FUCKING LIED TO THE GUARDS SO THEY WOULDN'T GET CAUGHT.  
TG: yeah but she wouldnt help them escape  
TG: shes got gold coming out of every orifice and she wouldnt even spare them a goddamn alternian dime  
TG: plus she broke up with erantz paleways   
TG: just because hes with solune and she doesnt approve  
TG: fuck her man  
CG: I GUESS SHE IS KIND OF A BITCH.  
TG: youre damn right she is  
TG: so what now  
TG: they stole a shuttle  
TG: theyre just gonna run for it?  
TG: blast off into the void and never look back?  
CG: YEAH.   
CG: FUCK EVERYONE ELSE.  
CG: FUCK THE SOCIETY THAT TELLS THEM THEY’RE MEANINGLESS PIECES OF SHIT THAT DON’T DESERVE TO HAVE CONTROL OVER THEIR LIVES.  
CG: FUCK BEING JUDGED FOR WHO THEY ARE.  
CG: FUCK RELYING ON EMPTY HANDOUTS AND INSINCERE PITY.   
CG: MAYBE THEY’LL FIND SOMEWHERE BETTER, SOMEWHERE THEY CAN BE HAPPY.  
CG: MAYBE THEY WON’T, AND THEY’LL DIE TRYING.  
CG: MAYBE THEY’LL DRIVE EACH OTHER UP THE FUCKING WALL AND IT’LL ALL FALL APART.  
CG: WHO KNOWS?  
CG: WHEREVER THEY END UP, IT'S BETTER THAN STAYING IN A PLACE THAT WOULD TORTURE AND ENSLAVE THEM FOR HAVING THE WRONG FUCKING BLOOD COLOR.  
TG: yeah man fight the power   
TG: stick it to the man   
TG: nuke the whales   
TG: so uh   
TG: how likely is that last one  
TG: the one where they drive each other insane  
CG: NOT LIKELY...I THINK.   
CG: THEY’VE PUT UP WITH EACH OTHER’S SHIT FOR THIS LONG, AND THEY HAVE EACH OTHER’S BACKS.  
CG: THEY CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER ENOUGH TO GIVE UP EVERYTHING TO MAKE IT WORK.   
CG: SEEMS LIKE A GOOD START, AT LEAST.  
TG: yeah   
TG: youre right man  
TG: so  
TG: what now  
TG: space makeouts?  
TG: yknow  
TG: until they find a planet or whatever   
CG: UM, YES.  
CG: IF YOU WANT  
CG: I MEAN   
CG: IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT TO BELIEVE HAPPENS NEXT.  
TG: karkat  
TG: call me fox mulder dude  
TG: because i want to believe  
TG: the truth is out there   
TG: and the truth is that aliens are not only real  
TG: but also hot and smart and funny as shit  
CG: (:B  
CG: MY AUTHORIAL PROWESS MUST HAVE MADE AN IMPRESSION, THEN.  
CG: IM REALLY GLAD YOU ENJOYED THE BOOK, DAVE.  
TG: dude  
TG: enjoyed would be an understatement  
TG: finding out youre just as horny on the inside as on the outside was totally worth reading hundreds of pages of prose so purple it would match poyuzes eyes  
TG: karkat vantas you are one kinky little fucker  
CG: STFU, STRIDER.  
CG: LIKE YOU’RE ANY LESS OF A SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED VIRGIN.  
CG: YOU WERE SO DESPERATE YOU THREW YOUR PRECIOUS CAPE UNDER THE SCUTTLEBUS OF BECOMING MY NEW FAVORITE FUCKRAG.  
TG: too far man  
TG: that cape is a beautiful cinnamon roll you bastard  
TG: too good and too pure  
TG: how could you  
TG: forever unclean  
CG: RELAX, DAVE.  
CG: THE ONLY THING I’VE BEEN USING IT FOR IN BED IS AS A SNUGGLEPLANE.  
TG: snuggleplane  
TG: lmao  
TG: troll words are the best  
TG: so can i have it back now or what  
CG: AS IF, NOOKLICKER.   
CG: A PERIGREE IS A FUCKING PERIGREE. THE CAPE IS MINE UNTIL THE END OF YOUR NEXT HUMAN MONTH.  
TG: lame  
CG: I’M GOING TO ENJOY ITS COMPANY THOROUGHLY.  
CG: IT’S PERFECT FOR KEEPING ME WARM AT NIGHT.  
TG: oh yeah  
TG: well   
TG: i could suggest an alternative  
CG: INTERESTING. DO TELL.  
TG: how about i get you out of the cape  
TG: and then  
TG: when youre all cold  
TG: and cute  
TG: and shivering  
TG: i grab it and fucking cheese it because its my goddamn cape  
CG: ASSHOLE.   
TG: anyway  
TG: wrap party?   
CG: WHAT?  
TG: you know   
TG: a party to celebrate the completion of your magnum opus  
TG: you deserve it after writing a hundred thousand words about slimy bulges and dripping nooks   
TG: a truly herculean effort in the service of meat beaters everywhere  
TG: or just me i guess  
TG: and you  
TG: not that im saying you typed the whole thing one handed  
TG: but lets face it how could you not when youve basically been transcribing all of your incredibly specific erotic desires  
CG: STRIDER.  
TG: i mean   
TG: i havent been thinking about that or anything bro  
TG: im not some kind of creep   
TG: not that someone would have to be a creep to fantasize about that  
TG: because cmon man take a look in the mirror sometime seriously hot damn  
CG: DAVE. STOP. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.  
TG: it would just be all kinds of inappropriate is all im sayin  
TG: i dont wanna make you uncomfortable like that thats not cool  
TG: yeah so   
TG: i think im back at the point i was making   
TG: im gonna stop talking now   
CG: YOU HAVE SUCH A WAY WITH WORDS. I'M LITERALLY SWOONING OVER HERE.  
CG: *ANYWAY*   
CG: IT’S HARDLY A PARTY IF IT’S JUST THE TWO OF US, IS IT?   
TG: that depends  
TG: theres gonna be popcorn  
TG: and im pretty sure i can alchemize passable cotton candy   
TG: no dong shaped cakes i swear  
CG: FUCK.   
CG: THAT'S ALMOST SWEET OF YOU, STRIDER. YOU GIANT SAP.  
TG: what can i say  
TG: you must be rubbing off on me   
CG: OK.  
CG: SIGN ME UP, ON ONE CONDITION.  
TG: what man  
CG: AT THIS ‘WRAP’ PARTY OF YOURS.  
CG: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES,   
CG: IS THERE TO BE *ANY* RAPPING.   
CG: I’M FUCKING SERIOUS.   
CG: I WILL BE OUT OF THAT ROOM BEFORE YOU CAN DROP A SINGLE MORONIC BEAT.  
TG: fine  
TG: spoilsport  
TG: my place or yours  
TG: im guessing you dont want to explain to serket why were giggling like idiots in the common area  
CG: COME TO MY BLOCK.   
CG: AT LEAST YOU CAN SEE THE FLOOR IN HERE.  
TG: cool  
TG: so  
TG: its a date  
CG: IS IT, NOW?  
TG: well  
TG: thats up to you i guess  
TG: i kinda really hope so but my balls are in your court man  
CG: WAY TO SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET, DAVE. TROLL CASANOVA WOULD BE PROUD.  
TG: is that a no or what  
TG: because im gonna have to throw myself off the meteor from embarrassment if you leave me hanging any longer  
CG: OF COURSE IT'S A DATE, YOU NERD.   
CG: (:B  
TG: thank god  
TG: i thought id made an even bigger ass out of myself than usual for a second there  
CG: OH, YOU DID. BUT IT WAS WORTH IT.  
CG: I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.  
TG: sweet  
TG: ok well ill see you in a bit then  
TG: gotta hit up the alchemiter for karkat bait  
TG: otherwise how will i find out how much youve been exaggerating alternian crotch equipment  
CG: IF ANYTHING, I WAS OVERLY CONSERVATIVE.   
TG: i fucking hope youre lying   
TG: otherwise you are literally going to kill me   
TG: and that death would be heroic as shit

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: <3  
CG: <3  
TG: 8==D  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?  
TG: youll find out man  
CG: *SIGH*  
CG: IT'S A DICK, ISN'T IT?  
TG: maybe  
CG: IN THAT CASE: ≈≈≈>   
TG: <3 <3 <3 

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come back on Sunday for the Valentine's Day epilogue :D


	9. Epilogue: Wrap Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day!

*knock, knock*

DAVE: hey man  
KARKAT: HOLY FUCK, DAVE.  
KARKAT: ARE YOU IN THERE SOMEWHERE, OR HAVE YOU MERGED INTO A GROTESQUE HALF-HUMAN HALF-SNACK CREATURE?  
DAVE: nah dude this pile still has a gooey strider centre  
DAVE: forty percent dave solids minimum  
KARKAT: SHIT, CAN YOU EVEN SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING? COME IN BEFORE YOU DROP IT ALL OVER THE FLOOR.  
DAVE: thanks   
DAVE: aww crap now im sticky   
DAVE: why the fuck did i think i could carry all of that without paying a terrible terrible price  
DAVE: typical that id turn up for a goddamn date with sugary residue all over my pjs   
KARKAT: ONE COULD ARGUE THAT YOU SHOULDN'T BE WEARING FUCKING PJS IN THE FIRST PLACE, SINCE I KNOW YOU HAVE A SYLLADEX FULL OF GANDERBULB-MELTING SUITS.  
DAVE: you want me to dress up next time you got it  
DAVE: anyway dont pretend you arent salivating over this sweet haul of snacks i can literally see you doing it   
DAVE: you couldnt give a fuck what im wearing  
DAVE: my eyes are up here karkat  
KARKAT: YOU BROUGHT MY FAVORITE SNACK. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?  
KARKAT: PLUS I CAN'T EVEN SEE YOUR EYES, DIPSHIT. TEN MORE ROMANCE POINTS FOR YOU.  
DAVE: thanks man now i feel special as fuck  
DAVE: stupid cotton candy had better be worth it  
KARKAT: *NOMMPH*  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: okay totally worth it   
DAVE: watching you eviscerate that fluffy pink shit like youre the apex predator in candyland is just beautiful   
DAVE: 'feel the sting of of my razor fangs you sugary bastard'  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: slow down karkat  
DAVE: your gonna inhale that shit and i dunno how troll bodies work but im guessing cotton candy goes in the foodsack and air goes in the breath-hollows or whatever and not the other way around  
KARKAT: MFFUUK MMRU  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: *COUGH* *ECKH*  
DAVE: dude i warned you  
DAVE: i warned you about air bro  
KARKAT: SHUT UP, *UGH*  
KARKAT: I’M FINE.  
DAVE: were a pair of smooth motherfuckers huh  
KARKAT: DAMN STRAIGHT, STRIDER.   
KARKAT: *COUGH*  
KARKAT: THE SMOOTHEST.  
KARKAT: I’M GOING TO THROW UP.  
DAVE: ha ha ha wtf karkat  
DAVE: no your not just sit down and breathe dumbass  
KARKAT: UGH. WHY AM I SO TERRIBLE AT THIS?  
KARKAT: WE LITERALLY DO NOTHING *BUT* HANG OUT ALL DAY EVERY DAY LIKE A PAIR OF CONJOINED IDIOTS, BUT THE SECOND THE WORD 'DATE' GETS THROWN AROUND I END UP MAKING A COMPLETE ASSMUFFIN OF MYSELF.  
DAVE: dude youve seen me make more elaborate freudian slip ups than a gay ice dancing team  
DAVE: this is literally nothing  
KARKAT: THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SPECIAL.  
KARKAT: IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO INVOLVE ME COUGHING MY BREATHING APPARATUS OUT THROUGH MY BIG STUPID SQUAWK GAPER.  
KARKAT: I SWEAR MY CLASS IS THE KNIGHT OF SHOVING MY OWN BULGE FORCIBLY UP MY WASTECHUTE AND THOROUGHLY FUCKING MYSELF OVER.  
DAVE: i do not want to imagine the symbol for that one   
DAVE: or think about what kind of grody planet youd get  
DAVE: the land of chafing and regret probably  
KARKAT: WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS THE OPPOSITE OF HELPING.   
DAVE: anyway, youre not terrible at it  
DAVE: were still bros karkat   
DAVE: the only difference is now i can stop pretending im not constantly staring at your ass   
DAVE: there see   
DAVE: now i got an excuse to rub your back in a gentlemanly fashion  
DAVE: its all good   
KARKAT: YEAH, I GUESS IT IS.   
KARKAT: ...THANKS.   
DAVE: no problem

\-------------------------------------------------

DAVE: solune threw erantz to the ground roughly, her psionics pinning his hands and feet. He was powerless, defenseless yet unafraid. “If you’re going to hide this kind of thing from me sol, don’t pretend you’re brave enough to actually use it,” he growled. erantz writhed as solune began to tear at his clothes, pleasure and pain conjuring tendrils of fire in his stomach  
KARKAT: WILL YOU STOP THAT?  
KARKAT: I GET IT, OK? ALL OF THIS IS FUCKING HILARIOUS TO YOU.  
DAVE: what no  
DAVE: shoosh this is like my favorite part  
KARKAT: GIVE ME THE GODDAMN HUSKTOP.  
DAVE: no  
KARKAT: YES.  
DAVE: no way  
KARKAT: HAND IT OVER!  
DAVE: he braced himself for an onslaught of teeth and claws, for his kismesis to take what she wanted without a second thought. instead, solune removed her glasses, and erantz saw through her pitch pretentions instantly. there was nothing but pure, red pity in her golden eyes  
KARKAT: GIVE IT TO ME RIGHT NOW!!  
DAVE: wow dude forward much  
DAVE: take it down a gear i didnt bring protection  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU!!!  
DAVE: jeez  
DAVE: feeling needy today huh  
KARKAT: IS ALL OF THIS SOME SORT OF JOKE TO YOU?   
KARKAT: DID YOU JUST FUCKING PRETEND TO BE INTERESTED IN ME SO THAT YOU COULD TORMENT ME IN NEW AND MORE EXCRUCIATING WAYS?  
DAVE: what?   
DAVE: no!  
DAVE: of course not!  
KARKAT: THEN STOP BEING SUCH A COSMIC ASSCLOWN!! I ASKED YOU TO STOP, GODDAMN IT!  
DAVE: whoa   
DAVE: dude im sorry  
DAVE: i was just messing around i wasnt trying to upset you  
KARKAT: WELL, STOP.   
KARKAT: I’M NOT IN THE MOOD TO HAVE MY BULGE-WITHERINGLY AWFUL ATTEMPTS AT PROSE MOCKED RIGHT NOW.  
DAVE: im sorry  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: your writing isnt awful karkat i would have noped out at chapter one if it was  
DAVE: i know you think everything you do is shit for some reason but you gotta be proud of this after all the work you put into it   
KARKAT: ...I AM, OK? I JUST DON'T NEED TO HEAR IT OUT LOUD IN THAT STUPID DEADPAN VOICE OF YOURS.  
DAVE: ...maybe you could read it to me some time instead  
DAVE: i wasnt kidding it totally is my favorite part   
KARKAT: OF COURSE IT IS, IT’S THE MAIN FUCKING SEX SCENE.  
DAVE: no not that  
DAVE: well yes that   
DAVE: but mostly the part where the main guy realizes that the person who likes him is just being an asshole because they dont really know how act any other way  
DAVE: and maybe theyve not really been clear on how they felt up til then but now theyre pretty sure  
DAVE: its what gave it away  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: that you understood whats been going on with me even though im shit at actually saying anything  
DAVE: and that i might have a shot  
DAVE: yknow  
DAVE: with you  
KARKAT: HMM.   
DAVE: if i can avoid doing a graceful backwards swandive into the olympic-sized fuckup pool for more than five minutes  
DAVE: although i should probably just wear waterwings twenty four seven because when am i not in that goddamned pool  
KARKAT: YOU ARE PRUNY AS FUCK FROM BEING IN THAT POOL.  
KARKAT: ...THAT WAS SORT OF THE IDEA OF THE WHOLE CHAPTER, DAVE. I WASN’T EXACTLY SUBTLE.  
KARKAT: I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE WRITTEN "I LIKE YOU TOO EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE KIND OF A FUCKNUGGET SOMETIMES" IN GIANT LETTERS ON MY FOREHEAD AND THEN HEADBUTTED YOU IN THE FACE.  
KARKAT: HARDLY A COMPLEX AND ELABORATE COURTSHIP.  
DAVE: yeah but i suck at subtle  
DAVE: im glad you know that  
KARKAT: ME TOO.  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE DOING, BUT IT’S...NICE.  
DAVE: dude you are so adorable  
KARKAT: AS IF, DAVE.   
KARKAT: I’M ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.  
DAVE: lmao whatever  
DAVE: c'mere  
KARKAT: *OOF*  
KARKAT: I DIDN'T GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO MANHANDLE ME, YOU KNOW.  
DAVE: sorry  
DAVE: totally not sorry  
DAVE: youre always so warm dude i could hug you all day in the gayest possible way  
KARKAT: YOU'RE NOT COMPLETELY HORRIBLE TO TOUCH, I SUPPOSE.  
DAVE: thats the spirit man  
DAVE: youre gonna give me the vapors with sweet-talk like that

\-------------------------------------------------

DAVE: you do realize you basically wrote me a two hundred page instruction manual on how to get you off, right?  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.   
KARKAT: WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??   
DAVE: what   
KARKAT: WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT!?  
KARKAT: I'M GOING TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST RIGHT HERE ON MY FUCKING COUCH JUST SO I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT YOUR STUPID SMUG FACE!!!   
DAVE: dude  
DAVE: stop with the facepalming its totally a good thing  
KARKAT: NO IT FUCKING ISN’T, IT’S MORTIFYING!!  
DAVE: relax man its great   
DAVE: i mean its a lot to live up because theres some hella inventive shit in there but im pretty lucky  
DAVE: most boyfriends dont come with custom directions to the bone zone other than insert tab a into slot b and dont forget the lube  
KARKAT: YOU ARE SO GROSS.   
KARKAT: I'M TRYING TO EAT THIS STUPID POPCORN AND I DON'T NEED THAT MENTAL IMAGE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: ...BOYFRIEND?  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: that is definitely not a word i said  
DAVE: only a fucking idiot would say that on a first date  
DAVE: nope nobody said that i have no idea what youre talking about  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
KARKAT: CALM DOWN.  
DAVE: im chill as a motherfucking icecube at the south pole over here, cooler than the gulfs of interstellar void surrounding this space rock  
DAVE: definitely not freaking out whatsoevmmph...  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ...mmmkay   
DAVE: believe me im not complaining   
DAVE: but what was that for  
KARKAT: I LIKE IT, MORON.   
KARKAT: 'BOYFRIEND' IS SORT OF LIKE...THE HUMAN VERSION OF MATESPRIT, RIGHT?  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: THEN YOU ARE ACTIVELY ENCOURAGED TO CALL ME THAT. IN FACT, I'M STILL YOUR LEADER. IT'S AN ORDER.  
DAVE: you have such a status kink its hilarious  
KARKAT: SHUT UP.  
DAVE: sir yes sir captain boyfriend  
DAVE: so  
DAVE: you wanna show me how much you like it some more  
KARKAT: SO ROMANTIC.   
KARKAT: HOW CAN I RESIST AN INVITATION LIKE THAT?  
DAVE: hey man its your call  
DAVE: imma keep babbling over here until you shut me up  
DAVE: cmon   
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: karkat  
KARKAT: WHAT?   
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, DAVE?  
DAVE: i want you dude  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: YOU CAN KEEP SAYING THAT TOO.  
DAVE: try and stop me

\-------------------------------------------------

DAVE: karkat   
KARKAT: YEAH?  
DAVE: when did you like   
DAVE: start wanting to do this  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW, REALLY.  
KARKAT: IT JUST SORT OF HAPPENED.  
KARKAT: YOU'RE SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING SOMETIMES, BUT I KNEW I DIDN'T REALLY HATE YOU.  
KARKAT: THE REASON YOU KEPT GETTING UNDER MY SKIN BECAME SORT OF...OBVIOUS...AFTER A WHILE.  
DAVE: its the tight pants isnt it  
KARKAT: *SIGH*  
KARKAT: YES, DAVE. I HAVE A FETISH FOR SKINNY HUMANS WHO DRESS LIKE COMPLETE TOOLS.  
KARKAT: IT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT YOU PUT UP WITH MY SHIT AND MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A HALF-DECENT PERSON FOR A CHANGE, ALL WHILE MAKING ME LAUGH SO HARD I ALMOST PEE MY PRACTICAL GREY PANTS.  
KARKAT: I WAS INEXORABLY DRAWN TO YOU BY THE AWESOME GRAVITATIONAL PULL OF YOUR NON-EXISTENT ASS.  
DAVE: i knew it  
DAVE: with great glutes come great responsibility  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: you think we'll be ok?  
DAVE: i dont want to fuck this up  
DAVE: yknow  
DAVE: usual strider style   
DAVE: aka pouring out neverending torrents of inappropriate babbling about how fucking gay it is that i want to smooch your face off   
KARKAT: WE'LL BE FINE.  
KARKAT: AFTER ALL, I'VE FINALLY FOUND A WAY TO MAKE YOU STOP TALKING.   
KARKAT: IT TURNS OUT I *DO* HAVE A FUNCTION IN THIS STUPID GAME:  
KARKAT: PROTECTING EVERYONE ELSE FROM DROWNING IN YOUR ENDLESS WORD VOMIT (:B   
DAVE: karkat vantas silencer of dorks  
DAVE: cool   
DAVE: feel free to spam the 'shutting dave up' combo btw   
KARKAT: DON'T WORRY, I WILL.  
KARKAT: I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO SOME PEACE AND QUIET.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all folks! Happy Valentine's Day!
> 
> I hope you manage not to almost throw up in front of your date!
> 
> (Dave managed to get his cape back somehow BTW...)
> 
> Seriously though, thanks so much to everyone who's left comments and kudos, I'm so glad I could make y'all laugh :)


End file.
